Tag Archives: would you rather


24 Sep

Would you rather travel to the future or to the past? 



Despite being a disco child, I’m still choosing to travel to the future here. I’m gonna pass on the acres of pube bush and rare premarital sex that the past has to offer. I would contend that the future is where the greatest days of sexual liberation lie for humans. Cyborg sluts eager to multitask you to orgasm, with human lips of flesh and robotic persistence, rhythm, and mechanics that will ultimately send our species into perpetual sexual nirvana. Automated prostate ticklers with artificial intelligence will be abundant, putting the most chronic insomniacs into blissful hibernation. WHAT A FUCKIN LIFE.

The ease of travel also has me quite excited. I’d love to take a 15 minute underground monorail from the east coast to Vegas to play a few hands of blackjack on my lunch break. Favorite sports team on the road this week? Fuck it, pay a few extra bitcoins and take a quick space shuttle over there. Grandma baking cookies? You could be there in 5 minutes.

Also, think of the advancements in health and medicine. Things that ruin lives now will be laughable in the future. Getting rid of cancer will be as easy as taking out the trash. People’s lives are wasted worrying about their health and bodies but that won’t be an issue anymore.

“Hey Doc, I lost my leg in a car accident. Can you help me?”

“Sure, take this pill and your leg will grow back in 30 minutes. Also, would you like robot anal on the way out of here?”

So have fun playing in the bushes scross. I’ll have a big fat smile on my face living in a futuristic world filled with possibility, ingenuity, and bliss.




In the future, shit would be so different you’d be like Brendan Fraser in Encino Man. Just a bumbling caveman walking around, clueless as to the way the world works, socially awkward as fuck. You’d probably have to go back to some type of school just to learn all the new shit they do and have discovered. No thanks.

I’ll take traveling back in time because then you’d be unique in a good way and people would love you. You’d be exotic and seem so overwhelmingly smart to the people of that time. If you travelled to the future, you’d just seem old-fashioned, dumb, and boring. I could literally run the world in the past or, preferably, sit back and occasionally drop some fire idea that changes life on Earth as the human race knows it. No big deal. Oh, another Nobel Prize? Thanks world, appreciate it.

And what is this notion that sex wasn’t as common in the past? People have always loved having sex. Notice all the old people around town these days? They were all made from sex a long time ago. Have you ever heard of free love in the 60s? Have you ever seen Game of Thrones? Sex all the time. And the best part about it? It’s sex with a human being. All this talk about robotics and mechanics mixing with prostrates? Sounds very scary and painful to me. I’ll pass.

encino man


17 Sep

Would you rather be the best looking man in the world or the smartest? 


Fuck looks, everyone knows smart is the new sexy. So by choosing to be the smartest man in world, I’ll also be the sexiest. I win both sides! You don’t believe me? Watch Ashton Kutcher’s speech from last years Teen Choice Awards. He proclaims that smart is the new sexy. Where I grew up, what Ashton says, goes.
First order of business as the smartest man in the world is opening up my own invention and research company, LEGEND INDUSTRIES. A team of top scientists and I will spend our entire morning working hard on important issues like clean drinking water, cures for cancer, and steps for world peace. After lunch, the focus will shift towards inventing things like an undetectable shower cam, a real cure for hangovers, a prostate diddler, and a surgery for men that finally allows them to suck their own dick. Also, LEGEND INDUSTRIES will be the first and only company to finally invent a fart silencer that works. Many have tried, none have succeeded.

billy madison smartest



I must have missed last year’s Teen Choice Awards, but Ashton Kutcher is a liar. Pretty easy thing for him to say when he’s a good-lookingguy himself. You don’t see Stephen Hawking running rolling around making claims like that. Nope, because being smart doesn’t get you laid. Although I’m sure the wheelchair doesn’t help either but he’s the only smart person I know. I just read some of Kutcher’s Wikipedia page and his career started by being the first loser in some modeling/talent competition and then, as we all know, he went on to act in That 70’s Show where he played the dumbest kid in sitcom history. So basically he owes his entire $140 million net worth to looks and lack of smarts. What an ungrateful hypocrite.

When you’re good-looking, doors just open for you. When you’re smart, you still have to wake up in the morning, use your brain, and work long hours. If you ask me, not working is the new sexy. And the thing is, we’re not talking about just being good-looking but the best looking. It’s unanimous. People’s Sexiest Man Alive goes to you every single year. You’d get paid to make appearances places just to get the nipples hard and panties moist. You walk around, sip the finest champagne (which you’re the spokesmodel for, along with every other finest product in the world), and take your pick of every woman there. So good luck with the dick-sucking surgery endeavor, Legend, I’ll leave that task up to the sexiest women alive.

Justin Bieber and the celebronauts


23 Jul

Would you rather live with your parents for the rest of your life, or never see them again?

Legend –

Daddy!  I’m home!

Gonna stand by with my parents here, even if it is for the rest of my life.  What kind of sick sociopath could go the rest of their life without seeing their parents?  Now trust me, I’ve gone extended periods of time without talking to my parents and not given a rat’s ass, but eventually something biological kicks in and you want to see them and talk to them.
Also, I’m assuming rent and groceries are on the house.  Why wouldn’t they be?  That’s how it was when I was younger.  Boom!  Sixty percent of my life’s worries — paying rent and feeding my flesh vehicle — out the window.
Now, there is definitely a stigma attached to “living at home.”  But when your parents get into their twilight years and you become the able-bodied son working around the house and taking care of everything, the tables have turned.  You’re no longer the loser who hasn’t moved out.  You’re the beautiful man who has sacrificed his independence to ensure the quality of life for his guardians.  Home run.  Chicks would love it.
I feel like a horrible person saying it, but any sane human being would have to choose to never see them again.  Otherwise, realistically, you’re just moping around your hometown, running into old friends’ parents at the grocery store, former teachers at the bar, answering the same questions and having the same small talk, all the while fantasizing about going on a mass killing spree which ends in a lethal self-inflicted gunshot to the dome.  Too much?
Honestly though, next thing you know you’re 40 years old and you’re officially a nobody.  You’ve married the best-looking girl who stuck around town (a 6 at best) and you probably have at least 4 kids.  They’re all girls, they hate you, and are slowly turning into raging teenage whores.  Your wife fucks everyone in town but you and everybody knows it.  A truly pitiful existence.
I’ll choose the never see them again option but here’s the catch.  I’d Skype them every fucking day.  Loophole baby!  I’d pretend I’m constantly traveling for some made-up job and they’d think I was the greatest son of all time, finding the time for them in my hectic schedule to chat for an hour on the daily.  Parents would definitely prefer that over seeing you once a year at some awkward, forced holiday and not hearing shit from you otherwise.  Especially when I’m supplying water to an African tribe one day, building a playground in Afghanistan the next, and teaching English to Mongolian orphans the day after that.  All the while finding time to webcam my overwhelming proud parents.  Son of the year.  No, the century.
english in mongolia


16 Jul

Would you rather fuck a goat and nobody ever finds out, or not fuck a goat, but everybody thinks you did?




goat satyr

Legend –

I’m gonna go ahead and fuck the goat here and avoid the stigma of forever being labeled a goat fucker. Great WYR by the way. Another pretty close one here. In today’s day and age with the power of the internet, I don’t think you could just run off to another city and put your past life behind you. In 2014 if you’ve got skeletons in your closet they are coming out for the whole world to see. Good luck finding a chick that is comfortable being Mrs. Goatfucker. Good luck finding a well-paying employer that hires someone with a track record of beastiality. And good luck going out in public anywhere without rampant paranoia that people are disgusted by you. Seems like your life is pretty much over if everyone thinks you shagged the goat. So whatever, get it over with, and erase It from your mind. If nobody saw it did it actually happen? Also, how do you know you don’t like something if you never tried it 😉 😉 😉 😉


scross –

There’s one thing you guys should know about me.  I don’t fuck animals.  Granted, I obviously wouldn’t want everybody thinking I did, but sometimes that just how WYRs work.  It’s about choosing the lesser of two evils.  In the grand scheme of things, you’ve done something very, very wrong if you penetrate a goat — or any animal for that matter — with your wiener.  You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong if you didn’t, but everyone thinks you did.  I could sleep at night knowing everyone else in the world is a fucking dumb idiot that can’t make decisions on their own so they just take the easy route and label me the goat-fucker.  Fuck them!  Where’s the damn proof!?!  Legend’s the one that fucked it I tell you!! Obviously in this scenario something happened that makes everybody think I did.  Maybe a video gets out of somebody looking exactly like me doing the dirty deed or something.  Whatever.  In life, I think it’s important that you are comfortable in your own skin.  You must first be able to live with yourself before you can live with others.   After goat sex, I would not be able to look another human being in the eye.  I’m also assuming you automatically get AIDs.  So fuck that.  You better eventually kill yourself if you ever have sex with a goat.  If I never did it but people think I did, I’d just move to Greece where one of their mythological gods, Satyr, had goat-like features and can be seen in the 4th picture above doing the nasty-nasty.  So I’m assuming that shit just flies there.  It’s god-like.




2 Jul

Each Wednesday, Legend and I will be arguing opposing sides of an original, deep, meaningful, and thought-provoking ‘Would You Rather’ question.  Pretty simple.  Pretty self-explanatory.  Let’s get right into it.


Would you rather catch your father masturbating, or have him catch you? 

shocked1 shocked2 shocked3 shocked5 shocked6 cry2 cry3 cry4 cry5Toronto Mayor Rob Ford



Let me first preface this by saying this was an extremely challenging would you rather.  I usually answer these confidently with very little deliberation.  This one took some time.  Either way, you’re dealing with a trauma that you’ll most likely be taking to the grave.  Ultimately, I would prefer my dad catch me having a wank than vice versa.

The father-child relationship is very unique, and by unique I mean fucked up.  I’ve seen the most confident of grown men reduced to sheer panic at the thought of their dad’s disapproval.  Why do they own our souls so damn hard?  Either way, I believe it’s very important for dads to always be in control and responsible in front of their children.  Like the shame we feel when we fuck up is probably about 3 times worse for them.  So fuck it.  Add my dad catching me plaster my sheets to the list of disappointments and screw ups he’s witnessed.  I’m stunned he never caught as me as a kid, god knows there were 100’s of close calls.

SORRY DAD, you can put the blame on me.



Really, really tough and it totally boils down to what your relationship is like with your dad.  Whether my dad caught me or I caught him, it’s 100% a guarantee that it would never be spoken of for all eternity.  Basically I could go either way because it would truly be like nothing ever happened.  He’s a man of very, very few words and I’m totally cool with that.  So when it comes to this would you rather, for me, it’s basically would I rather endure the short-lived embarrassment of being caught… or feel super awkward catching him on a date with Pamela Handerson, but with the knowledge that he’s feeling infinitely more awkward.  I think it’s fairly normal for a 26 year old to beat off, but a lot less so for a 60-something year old dude.  But honestly I don’t really know because I’ve never been that old.  I think I’m pretty done thinking about this at this point.  I’ll go with catch him, simply to save him the visual and the associated jealousy of seeing how much more well-endowed his son is than him.  But maybe he’d just be proud?  And maybe I’m lying… he’s got a hog.