Tag Archives: Would You Rather Wednesday


24 Sep

Would you rather travel to the future or to the past? 



Despite being a disco child, I’m still choosing to travel to the future here. I’m gonna pass on the acres of pube bush and rare premarital sex that the past has to offer. I would contend that the future is where the greatest days of sexual liberation lie for humans. Cyborg sluts eager to multitask you to orgasm, with human lips of flesh and robotic persistence, rhythm, and mechanics that will ultimately send our species into perpetual sexual nirvana. Automated prostate ticklers with artificial intelligence will be abundant, putting the most chronic insomniacs into blissful hibernation. WHAT A FUCKIN LIFE.

The ease of travel also has me quite excited. I’d love to take a 15 minute underground monorail from the east coast to Vegas to play a few hands of blackjack on my lunch break. Favorite sports team on the road this week? Fuck it, pay a few extra bitcoins and take a quick space shuttle over there. Grandma baking cookies? You could be there in 5 minutes.

Also, think of the advancements in health and medicine. Things that ruin lives now will be laughable in the future. Getting rid of cancer will be as easy as taking out the trash. People’s lives are wasted worrying about their health and bodies but that won’t be an issue anymore.

“Hey Doc, I lost my leg in a car accident. Can you help me?”

“Sure, take this pill and your leg will grow back in 30 minutes. Also, would you like robot anal on the way out of here?”

So have fun playing in the bushes scross. I’ll have a big fat smile on my face living in a futuristic world filled with possibility, ingenuity, and bliss.




In the future, shit would be so different you’d be like Brendan Fraser in Encino Man. Just a bumbling caveman walking around, clueless as to the way the world works, socially awkward as fuck. You’d probably have to go back to some type of school just to learn all the new shit they do and have discovered. No thanks.

I’ll take traveling back in time because then you’d be unique in a good way and people would love you. You’d be exotic and seem so overwhelmingly smart to the people of that time. If you travelled to the future, you’d just seem old-fashioned, dumb, and boring. I could literally run the world in the past or, preferably, sit back and occasionally drop some fire idea that changes life on Earth as the human race knows it. No big deal. Oh, another Nobel Prize? Thanks world, appreciate it.

And what is this notion that sex wasn’t as common in the past? People have always loved having sex. Notice all the old people around town these days? They were all made from sex a long time ago. Have you ever heard of free love in the 60s? Have you ever seen Game of Thrones? Sex all the time. And the best part about it? It’s sex with a human being. All this talk about robotics and mechanics mixing with prostrates? Sounds very scary and painful to me. I’ll pass.

encino man


17 Sep

Would you rather be the best looking man in the world or the smartest? 


Fuck looks, everyone knows smart is the new sexy. So by choosing to be the smartest man in world, I’ll also be the sexiest. I win both sides! You don’t believe me? Watch Ashton Kutcher’s speech from last years Teen Choice Awards. He proclaims that smart is the new sexy. Where I grew up, what Ashton says, goes.
First order of business as the smartest man in the world is opening up my own invention and research company, LEGEND INDUSTRIES. A team of top scientists and I will spend our entire morning working hard on important issues like clean drinking water, cures for cancer, and steps for world peace. After lunch, the focus will shift towards inventing things like an undetectable shower cam, a real cure for hangovers, a prostate diddler, and a surgery for men that finally allows them to suck their own dick. Also, LEGEND INDUSTRIES will be the first and only company to finally invent a fart silencer that works. Many have tried, none have succeeded.

billy madison smartest



I must have missed last year’s Teen Choice Awards, but Ashton Kutcher is a liar. Pretty easy thing for him to say when he’s a good-lookingguy himself. You don’t see Stephen Hawking running rolling around making claims like that. Nope, because being smart doesn’t get you laid. Although I’m sure the wheelchair doesn’t help either but he’s the only smart person I know. I just read some of Kutcher’s Wikipedia page and his career started by being the first loser in some modeling/talent competition and then, as we all know, he went on to act in That 70’s Show where he played the dumbest kid in sitcom history. So basically he owes his entire $140 million net worth to looks and lack of smarts. What an ungrateful hypocrite.

When you’re good-looking, doors just open for you. When you’re smart, you still have to wake up in the morning, use your brain, and work long hours. If you ask me, not working is the new sexy. And the thing is, we’re not talking about just being good-looking but the best looking. It’s unanimous. People’s Sexiest Man Alive goes to you every single year. You’d get paid to make appearances places just to get the nipples hard and panties moist. You walk around, sip the finest champagne (which you’re the spokesmodel for, along with every other finest product in the world), and take your pick of every woman there. So good luck with the dick-sucking surgery endeavor, Legend, I’ll leave that task up to the sexiest women alive.

Justin Bieber and the celebronauts


27 Aug

Would you rather be famous or the best friend of someone famous?



I didn’t come to this earth to be Steve Kerr, I came to be Jordan. You bet your ass I want to be the famous one. When I was younger, I would cry after basketball games if my stat line sucked. It didn’t matter if my team won or lost. Life is an individual sport, plain and simple.

What kind of apathetic pussy would choose to be the best friend here? You’re really cool with your best friend picking up the tab every single time? What the fuck happens if I die? You’re boned and you’re moving back in with Mom and Dad.

Lots of people would argue that the celebrity lifestyle is too invasive and exhausting. Bullshit. Maybe if you’re one of these out of control ex-child star shitheads like Bieber, Bynes, or Miley Cyrus. Pathetic brats that party for the first time when they’re 21. But look at Damon, Affleck, Clooney, and Leo. They are living the most elite lifestyles known to man AND command God-like treatment from the media.

Independence is the greatest gift a man can have. It’s fucking beautiful. Owing nothing to anyone or anything is as good as it gets on this wretched planet. As lavish as the food, shelter, and chicks could be, if you’re the best friend, you’re still a dependent little cocksucker.

turtle vince


In today’s world of social media overload, being famous would suck. With the likes of TMZ ready to pounce on your slightest indiscretion, flying under the radar would be essential. But if you’re famous enough, I don’t think flying under the radar is even an option. Paparazzi are creepin’ around every corner, hiding in the bushes, ready to cash-in on a shot of celebrity A out and about with celebrity B, or a glimpse of some young pop star’s hard nipples. They’re there to judge everything you do, everything you wear, everybody you’re with, and to publish it all for the world to see. It might be fun and exciting for like a day tops, but shortly thereafter I’d end up in jail for punching a cameraman’s face until it exploded.

You’d think with all the fame and fortune, you’d reach a certain level of freedom but it seems to be quite the opposite. The more fame you have, the more likely your decisions are to be scrutinized and made on your behalf. You’re no longer in control of your own life. You represent a brand and have to answer to the powers that be. Agencies, management, consultants, meetings for days. Biggie wasn’t just spewing nonsense when he coined ‘Mo’ money, mo’ problems.’ It’s an undeniable fact.

So I’ll happily sit back and be the celebrity’s best friend, no questions asked. Luxurious vacations, private jets, 5 star restaurants, movie premiers, after-parties, sex, drugs?

“Yes please.”

Business meetings, interviews, fundraisers, rehab?

“No thanks, dude. I’ll sit those out. But definitely hit me up when you’re done with that boring shit. I’ll be chilling at your mansion, either in the hot tub or playing videogames. Don’t worry, I fed the sharks and sent the last of the whores home from last night’s party. Looks like Maria cleaned up all the mess. I made us a tee-time for this afternoon, hope you can make it. Oh, and we’re out of milk.”



20 Aug

Would you rather live in a world with no marriage or no divorce?



Living in a world with no marriage would be an absolute utopia. Making marriage illegal would eliminate all the pressure and shame that comes with divorce. Think about it. A couple that is dating but not married breaks up and nobody gives a shit. A married couple gets divorced and it’s looked at as this catastrophic failure. What a crock.

Whether people want to admit it or not, marriage is a dated concept. Eventually the novelty between two people is going to wear off. It’s not sad, it’s just science. Ever hear of the Coolidge effect? Scientists did studies where they dropped a female rat in a cage with a male rat and the male rat immediately stuffs the living daylights out of the female rat. After awhile, the sex is less frequent and it takes longer for the male rat to get off. Here’s where it gets interesting. They take the female rat out and replace her with a different female and boom! The male rat is once again intrigued and back to delivering a fully engorged rat boner. Unbelievable stuff.

Chemistry between two people dying down as time goes on is as safe a bet as the sun coming up tomorrow morning, or a fart in the shower being ten times more disgusting. Let’s embrace these truths! How sweet would it be if having a life partner were similar to a car lease? Two-year terms, if you like the car than you can renew it. If it’s not working out, you try a new one and you happily go your separate ways. Whatever, no hard feelings, it was great while it lasted.

I think getting married is like going to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet and eating a plate of white rice. Fuck that. I want chicken fingers, crab rangoons, spare ribs, and lo mein with duck sauce dripping down my chin. That’s the variety of dating life, and it’s thrilling. Marriage is not.

End the pain, end the shame, end the pressure, END MARRIAGE.






I hate a lot of things in this world. And for me, divorce is right up there with spiders, people that talk in movie theaters, Ann Coulter, disease, French Canadians, wearing a helmet, pooping on airplanes, traffic, indecisive girls, humidity, and quitters. And that’s what people that get divorced are. Fucking quitters.

I would be ecstatic if we did away with divorce altogether. But don’t get me wrong; I’m not a big fan of marriage in the first place. But if you’re the type of person that chooses to get hitched – and that should always be an option because there’s no denying that on rare occasions it works out wonderfully – you damn well better stick it out. If we eliminated the potential for a way out, marriage would be a lot less common and I think that’s a great thing.

Marriage isn’t meant to be like a casual, drunken round of golf with your buddies. It’s the fucking Masters. You play until the end and there are no mulligans. The fact that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce these days is a travesty. Not only should divorce be outlawed, but it should also be a law that a married couple has to live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, make love regularly, and face legitimate jail time if caught in an extra-marital relationship. Then we’ll see if people run around willy-nilly getting married without being 100%. No divorce = less/stronger marriages = more single people. It’s simple math, and I think that’s an equation we can all get behind.


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13 Aug

Would you rather always get away with lies or always be able to tell when someone is lying?


Legend –

Wow, finally an opportunity to get to the bottom of things.  This world is littered with deception, lies, confusion, and unanswered questions.  Having the superpower of telling when someone is lying would be an absolute game changer.  A game changer along the lines of NFL RedZone, drinking to get rid of a hangover, and free Asian porn online.

Step 1 would be a sit down with my parents to get some real answers on my childhood.  Am I adopted?  Did you catch me masturbating that one time or was it just a very close call?  And then I’d drop my pants and ask if my penis has always been this small or if it’s shrunk.

Step 2 would be finding a qualified woman to become my main squeeze.  I would ask questions like are you really attracted to me?  Are we going to do anal?  And will you loan me money when I have a tough week betting sports?

Step 3 would be to monetize this uncanny ability.  I can’t imagine this would be a hard task.  Some company would be willing to shell out massive dollars to have a human lie detector on retainer.  Bring me in to any business and I’ll sniff out who’s being honest and who’s a lying sack of shit.  I could easily become a multi-millionaire off this and finally live the lavish lifestyle I’ve always thought I deserved.
I can understand the dark side of being able to tell when someone’s lying.  I would imagine people would be lying to my face all the time and that could get depressing.  But fuck it, I’ll take the answers from my childhood, the badass woman, and the money all day.

geico pinnochioscross –

I’m not big on lying these days.  I definitely used to be though.  Like as a child, I was borderline pathological.  I’d say anything and carry out the most elaborate schemes to try to avoid getting in trouble with my parents.  When there was lacking evidence or proof, my go-to was to deny, deny, deny.  The intricate web of lies I would weave would give the most skilled spiders in all the land raging arachnid-rections. It’s actually laughable looking back on it.  But I also think this isn’t that unusual for children.  And I also think most of the time – especially my father – saw right through it all.  Oh well though, you live and learn.

And even though I say I tend to avoid lying nowadays, I’d still choose to get away with the occasional lie over knowing when others are lying.  I mean it could be interesting at times, advantageous at others, and downright funny in certain instances.  Listening to politicians would be hilarious and sickening at the same time.  I also know people that I’m positive are still virgins but that feel the need to come up with absurdly elaborate hook-up stories that I know are bullshit but I just don’t care enough to challenge them on.  It’d be gratifying to find out that my suspicions are accurate though.

But overall, knowing every lie people tell would be torture.  People lie all the fucking time about the dumbest, most trivial things and you would eventually lose all respect for everybody you’ve ever met.  No thanks.  Unless you can turn the lie-detecting capability on and off, I’ll pass.


Check it out on BroBible