SCUMBAG OF THE WEEK: ELIZABETH HASSELBECK FANS!

I just learned that Fox News Co-host, and aging former reality show loser, Elizabeth Hasselbeck has a net worth of more than 12 million dollars.  That is both shocking and disappointing.  What scumbags you are, Hasselbeck fans, allowing someone like her to rise to fame, fortune and power.

I’d bet most non-fans would love to empty a wad of sack-sauce on this rambling turkey, right?  Well we can’t, and we have you to blame, Hasselbeck fans.  She’ll never be that 9-5 stress donkey that we so desire her to be, the one that drowns her misery with drink and Nutella and welcomes uncommitted penis in droves on the weekends.  Instead, she’s famous!  Our backwards society has elevated her to a level where only NFL quarterbacks are worthy of the plunder.  How could we?!

Somehow, she commands attention on our TV screens. She wails like a distressed dolphin as she delivers her conservative rants – so annoying, misguided,  and misinformed yet she ascends.

As her fans elevate her, we all fall and society creeps dangerously closer toward the abyss of moral decay and unspeakable depravity.

FATTY HOSPITALIZES FRIEND OVER CHEESESTEAK, ARE PARENTS TO BLAME?

LEHIGHVALLEYLIVE– A teenager upset that his friends didn’t invite him over to eat cheesesteaks in Hellertown,PA allegedly dragged one of his buddies down a flight of stairs and kicked the victim in the face, according to court records.

Police say William Joseph Hitchcock-Sahr Jr., 18, of the first block of Kiernan Avenue, called Brandon Ridgick on Monday and found out Ridgick and two others were hanging out in the 100 block of Northampton Street eating cheesesteaks.

Hitchcock-Sahr showed up and started arguing because he wasn’t invited and Ridgick hadn’t bought him a sandwich, according to court documents.

Hitchock-Sahr dragged Ridgick down a flight of stairs and broke multiple facial bones by kicking him in the face, authorities say. Hellertown police say Ridgick’s face was “deformed” and bloodied from the assault.

 

This man has confirmed what many of us had suspected.  America has an eating problem.

But why?

I blame it on the parents.

This cocksucker’s cabinets have probably been stuffed with Rice Crispy Treats, Gushers, Whole Milk and inexpensive beef shanks since day one.  This greasy shit smear was likely served Lucky Charms, salted cuts of processed meat and sopping cheesesteaks his entire life.  How is he expected to act appropriately when his tank is being filled with this shit?  You are what you eat.  It’s science!  Parents, get your shit together.  There’s enough information out there now, there’s no excuses.  Sugar is bad, vegetables are good, drink more water, everything in moderation.  It’s not a difficult concept, make health a priority.   

Like many Americans, this fatty is a chemical cesspool and is likely suffering from a slew of diet related ailments like IBS, anxiety, depression and the dreaded perpetual itis.  

To complicate matters, this lousy fat ass probably spent most of his time watching television and playing video games growing up.  Thanks mom and dad!

So let’s think about this.  Why did this tired porker really throw his friend down the stairs? Was he merely hungry? Perhaps.  Was it a wild case of FOMO?  Eh, maybe.  It’s difficult to say for sure.

But there’s one thing I am sure about– with a healthy diet and regular exercise, this slimy dough ball would be more capable of making rational decisions instead of being a headline in a local newspaper.