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PISTORIUS SOBS LIKE CHILD, FAMILY IS HUMILIATED

11 Sep

Oscar Pistorius has avoided a life sentence for the alleged murder of his supermodel girlfriend but could not avoid internet scrutiny for blowing snots out of his face.

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The poor bastard couldn’t contain himself. The wad shot from his face during an especially humiliating sobbing episode as Judge Masipa told the courtroom he won’t be sentenced to life in prison.

CNN reported the following on Thursday morning:

the verdict will cap a dramatic trial that started in March, and featured months of gory details that have seen Pistorius gag, vomit and break down in heaving sobs

The United Press of South Africa wrote:

His father was so humiliated by his sons “gay weeps” that he had to leave the courtroom.  His father also said  “The incessant sobbing has taken a toll on the entire family, it’s difficult to be in the courtroom.  He’s a coward.”

If being an alleged girlfriend killer isn’t enough to keep the chicks at bay, his ugly snot face and baby sobs will.

JORDAN REED INJURED IN WEEK 1

7 Sep

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Redskins TE Jordan Reed came off the field today with an apparent hamstring injury.

What a massive let down to his team, his alma mater, his family and most importantly, HIS FANTASY OWNERS!!!!

Expectations were high for the versatile TE out of UMIAMI.  Concussion symptoms kept him out last season, this season he was questionable coming into week 1 with a thumb injury.  Now it’s the hamstring, it’s doubtful that he will return to play today. 

Let’s hope this cowardly bag of shit can get his hamstring ready for week 2 or this fantasy owner is going to run out of patience.

SCUMBAG OF THE WEEK: ELIZABETH HASSELBECK FANS!

5 Sep

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I just learned that Fox News Co-host, and aging former reality show loser, Elizabeth Hasselbeck has a net worth of more than 12 million dollars.  That is both shocking and disappointing.  What scumbags you are, Hasselbeck fans, allowing someone like her to rise to fame, fortune and power.

I’d bet most non-fans would love to empty a wad of sack-sauce on this rambling turkey, right?  Well we can’t, and we have you to blame, Hasselbeck fans.  She’ll never be that 9-5 stress donkey that we so desire her to be, the one that drowns her misery with drink and Nutella and welcomes uncommitted penis in droves on the weekends.  Instead, she’s famous!  Our backwards society has elevated her to a level where only NFL quarterbacks are worthy of the plunder.  How could we?!

Somehow, she commands attention on our TV screens. She wails like a distressed dolphin as she delivers her conservative rants – so annoying, misguided,  and misinformed yet she ascends.

As her fans elevate her, we all fall and society creeps dangerously closer toward the abyss of moral decay and unspeakable depravity.

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WES WELKER SUSPENDED 4 GAMES FOR “MOLLY”

2 Sep

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Bronco’s wide receiver, Wes Welker, has been suspended 4 games for violating the leagues PED policy.  Adam Shefter reports that Welker tested positive for amphetamines.

Pro Football Talk has reported that Welker’s positive test stems from May when he took amphetamine laced “Molly” at the Kentucky Derby.

He appealed the decision but was notified today that the suspension will be upheld.

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Welker was seen at the derby in May carrying a chubby wad of hundo’s and handing them out to passers-by.  We love to see the little guy having fun.  Keep it going Wes, you’re on the back 9 anyway, might as well go out in a blaze.