Archive by Author


24 Sep

Would you rather travel to the future or to the past? 



Despite being a disco child, I’m still choosing to travel to the future here. I’m gonna pass on the acres of pube bush and rare premarital sex that the past has to offer. I would contend that the future is where the greatest days of sexual liberation lie for humans. Cyborg sluts eager to multitask you to orgasm, with human lips of flesh and robotic persistence, rhythm, and mechanics that will ultimately send our species into perpetual sexual nirvana. Automated prostate ticklers with artificial intelligence will be abundant, putting the most chronic insomniacs into blissful hibernation. WHAT A FUCKIN LIFE.

The ease of travel also has me quite excited. I’d love to take a 15 minute underground monorail from the east coast to Vegas to play a few hands of blackjack on my lunch break. Favorite sports team on the road this week? Fuck it, pay a few extra bitcoins and take a quick space shuttle over there. Grandma baking cookies? You could be there in 5 minutes.

Also, think of the advancements in health and medicine. Things that ruin lives now will be laughable in the future. Getting rid of cancer will be as easy as taking out the trash. People’s lives are wasted worrying about their health and bodies but that won’t be an issue anymore.

“Hey Doc, I lost my leg in a car accident. Can you help me?”

“Sure, take this pill and your leg will grow back in 30 minutes. Also, would you like robot anal on the way out of here?”

So have fun playing in the bushes scross. I’ll have a big fat smile on my face living in a futuristic world filled with possibility, ingenuity, and bliss.




In the future, shit would be so different you’d be like Brendan Fraser in Encino Man. Just a bumbling caveman walking around, clueless as to the way the world works, socially awkward as fuck. You’d probably have to go back to some type of school just to learn all the new shit they do and have discovered. No thanks.

I’ll take traveling back in time because then you’d be unique in a good way and people would love you. You’d be exotic and seem so overwhelmingly smart to the people of that time. If you travelled to the future, you’d just seem old-fashioned, dumb, and boring. I could literally run the world in the past or, preferably, sit back and occasionally drop some fire idea that changes life on Earth as the human race knows it. No big deal. Oh, another Nobel Prize? Thanks world, appreciate it.

And what is this notion that sex wasn’t as common in the past? People have always loved having sex. Notice all the old people around town these days? They were all made from sex a long time ago. Have you ever heard of free love in the 60s? Have you ever seen Game of Thrones? Sex all the time. And the best part about it? It’s sex with a human being. All this talk about robotics and mechanics mixing with prostrates? Sounds very scary and painful to me. I’ll pass.

encino man


17 Sep

Deadspin– Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston stood on a table and yelled “fuck her right in the pussy” on campus today, according to a bunch of students who saw him.


Pretty aggressive move to say the least. Did he lose a bet? Does he just think it’s funny? I’m pretty immature and all for silliness and tomfoolery but this just doesn’t do it for me. It’s literally the type of thing that’s done in the lunchroom in junior high right after you finish playing a round of the “penis game.” Don’t get me wrong, I love the concept of the “fuck her right in the pussy” uprising. It’s revolutionary stuff. But Winston just absolutely butchers it here. It’s meant to be said out of the blue during an interview on live television. You don’t just stand up on a table and yell it out. There are guidelines here. Have some class, Jameis. I guess it’s to be expected though from the type of dude that would attempt to steal crab legs and get caught in the process. He’s a 12 year old boy trapped in the body of a two-sport D1 athletic machine. And now he has to sit out the first half of the Clemson game this weekend. Pretty harsh penalty to be honest. Just shows how brutal twitter can be nowadays. There isn’t even video of him doing it or anything, just a bunch of tweets about it by other FSU students that witnessed it. Talk about a backfire. As much as I hate Clemson, I kind of hope they pull off the upset here. Then Jameis might finally realize that sometimes there are consequences when you act like a child. And in the meantime, he needs to brush up on his FHRITP etiquette. Here’s how it’s done…




17 Sep

Would you rather be the best looking man in the world or the smartest? 


Fuck looks, everyone knows smart is the new sexy. So by choosing to be the smartest man in world, I’ll also be the sexiest. I win both sides! You don’t believe me? Watch Ashton Kutcher’s speech from last years Teen Choice Awards. He proclaims that smart is the new sexy. Where I grew up, what Ashton says, goes.
First order of business as the smartest man in the world is opening up my own invention and research company, LEGEND INDUSTRIES. A team of top scientists and I will spend our entire morning working hard on important issues like clean drinking water, cures for cancer, and steps for world peace. After lunch, the focus will shift towards inventing things like an undetectable shower cam, a real cure for hangovers, a prostate diddler, and a surgery for men that finally allows them to suck their own dick. Also, LEGEND INDUSTRIES will be the first and only company to finally invent a fart silencer that works. Many have tried, none have succeeded.

billy madison smartest



I must have missed last year’s Teen Choice Awards, but Ashton Kutcher is a liar. Pretty easy thing for him to say when he’s a good-lookingguy himself. You don’t see Stephen Hawking running rolling around making claims like that. Nope, because being smart doesn’t get you laid. Although I’m sure the wheelchair doesn’t help either but he’s the only smart person I know. I just read some of Kutcher’s Wikipedia page and his career started by being the first loser in some modeling/talent competition and then, as we all know, he went on to act in That 70’s Show where he played the dumbest kid in sitcom history. So basically he owes his entire $140 million net worth to looks and lack of smarts. What an ungrateful hypocrite.

When you’re good-looking, doors just open for you. When you’re smart, you still have to wake up in the morning, use your brain, and work long hours. If you ask me, not working is the new sexy. And the thing is, we’re not talking about just being good-looking but the best looking. It’s unanimous. People’s Sexiest Man Alive goes to you every single year. You’d get paid to make appearances places just to get the nipples hard and panties moist. You walk around, sip the finest champagne (which you’re the spokesmodel for, along with every other finest product in the world), and take your pick of every woman there. So good luck with the dick-sucking surgery endeavor, Legend, I’ll leave that task up to the sexiest women alive.

Justin Bieber and the celebronauts


15 Sep

This video has been up since January and is still under one million views which is baffling to me. Her voice is so unique and soulful and her lyrics are inspiring and thought-provoking. Maybe people have no idea how to spell/say her name? Or I guess maybe there’s just not enough booty-shaking in it for the world today? It’s shameful really.


Kygo’s remix is also on point. Enjoy.



11 Sep

CBS SF– A man so notorious a movie was made about his life just walked out of prison. Ex-kingpin, George Jung is now in San Francisco where he will finish serving his sentence.

jung depp

I guess this was news back in June but I completely missed it.  George Jung, the dude Johnny Depp played in Blow, was released from prison into a halfway house a few months ago. If you haven’t seen Blow (you should probably get on that), Jung worked with the Medellin Cartel and smuggled muchisima cocaina into the states back in the 70s and 80s. He was eventually busted in 1994 with close to a ton of blow. 2000 pounds. That’s 907,000 grams. His sentence was initially 60 years but Jung snitched.

Jung was originally sentenced to 60 years in prison but got a reduced sentence after testifying against his former accomplice.


OH NO George. This doesn’t make your former accomplice, or his accomplices, very happy. Gotta assume it’s Diego right? You might be 71 years old now but I’d watch your back. If I know the storyline of the upcoming blockbuster Blow 2 (starring Clint Eastwood as an aging Jung) like I think I do, I know that your former accomplice Diego and a horde of angry Colombians are coming for you. Will you be ready?