14 Aug

LEHIGHVALLEYLIVE– A teenager upset that his friends didn’t invite him over to eat cheesesteaks in Hellertown,PA allegedly dragged one of his buddies down a flight of stairs and kicked the victim in the face, according to court records.

Police say William Joseph Hitchcock-Sahr Jr., 18, of the first block of Kiernan Avenue, called Brandon Ridgick on Monday and found out Ridgick and two others were hanging out in the 100 block of Northampton Street eating cheesesteaks.

Hitchcock-Sahr showed up and started arguing because he wasn’t invited and Ridgick hadn’t bought him a sandwich, according to court documents.

Hitchock-Sahr dragged Ridgick down a flight of stairs and broke multiple facial bones by kicking him in the face, authorities say. Hellertown police say Ridgick’s face was “deformed” and bloodied from the assault.



This man has confirmed what many of us had suspected.  America has an eating problem.

But why?

I blame it on the parents.

This cocksucker’s cabinets have probably been stuffed with Rice Crispy Treats, Gushers, Whole Milk and inexpensive beef shanks since day one.  This greasy shit smear was likely served Lucky Charms, salted cuts of processed meat and sopping cheesesteaks his entire life.  How is he expected to act appropriately when his tank is being filled with this shit?  You are what you eat.  It’s science!  Parents, get your shit together.  There’s enough information out there now, there’s no excuses.  Sugar is bad, vegetables are good, drink more water, everything in moderation.  It’s not a difficult concept, make health a priority.   

Like many Americans, this fatty is a chemical cesspool and is likely suffering from a slew of diet related ailments like IBS, anxiety, depression and the dreaded perpetual itis.  

To complicate matters, this lousy fat ass probably spent most of his time watching television and playing video games growing up.  Thanks mom and dad!


So let’s think about this.  Why did this tired porker really throw his friend down the stairs? Was he merely hungry? Perhaps.  Was it a wild case of FOMO?  Eh, maybe.  It’s difficult to say for sure.

But there’s one thing I am sure about– with a healthy diet and regular exercise, this slimy dough ball would be more capable of making rational decisions instead of being a headline in a local newspaper.  


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: