DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER TO THE RESCUE IN AFTERMATH OF CHRISTY MACK/WAR MACHINE FIASCO

13 Aug

So most people have probably already caught wind of this story.  To recap:

This guy…

war machine

…whose name is Jon Kopenhaver but is better known by his MMA nickname, War Machine, beat the shit out of his (ex?) girlfriend and porn-star, Christy Mack…

mack

…and left her looking like this…

mack injury

…and is now on the run from authorities.

policeman

And as you can imagine, at this point, as Limp Bizkit puts it best, “It’s all about the he said, she said bullshit.”

According to TMZ:

Porn star Christy Mack says War Machine broke up with her in May but for some reason showed up at her house at 2 AM Friday. She says he walked in, didn’t say a word but unleashed a beating on her friend.

War Machine threw the friend out of the house and then she says he allegedly made her strip and shower in front of him. Then she says the beating began … resulting in 18 broken bones around her eyes, a broken nose, missing teeth, a fractured rib and ruptured liver.

Mack says War Machine also “sawed much of my hair off with [a] dull knife.”

She says he threatened to rape her but was unable to perform.

Mack says she ran out of the house naked, begging neighbors to help her. One did and took her to the hospital, where she remains.

So there’s the “she said.”  Which makes sense and seems accurate.  “Unable to perform?” Ouch, bro.  Worst (best?) rapist ever.

According to War Machine via Twitter…

Screen shot 2014-08-13 at 5.40.44 PM

He’s not exactly doing himself a favor with these tweets by not denying beating up either of them whatsoever.  So clearly he did it.  He basically just wishes it had gone as he had drawn it up in his head.  Go over there, propose, and live happily ever after…with a porn star.

But in reality, he was clearly fucking hammered.  And I’m talking UFC-style, steroid-popping, belligerently shit-cocked.  Shows up unannounced in the middle of the night and isn’t happy that his ex-girlfriend — who he drunkenly and delusionally still considers to be his girlfriend — is not alone.  The MMA training kicks in and the rest is history.  Now he’s on the run because the “cops will never believe him.”  Ummm yeah, dude.  Cause you did it.

So where are we now?  There’s a $10,000 reward for his capture and don’t worry, he won’t be at large for long.

Screen shot 2014-08-13 at 6.26.00 PM

It’s been over 24 hours since that tweet so never fear, 61-year old Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the case.  And check out this tweet from War Machine 4 years ago.

Screen shot 2014-08-13 at 6.35.56 PM

This shit can’t be made up.  It’s like a movie script.  A-list porn stars, B-list MMA fighters, and D-list reality TV show personalities.  Stay tuned, and let’s hope for a swift recovery from Mack so she can get back to doing what she does best.

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