9 Jul

The Germans have the largest economy in Europe and are major innovators and beneficiaries of the global market.  Their citizens get free tuition to university, free nursing care and 6 weeks of federally mandated vacation. They invented the computer, the hamburger and the helicopter.  What more do these people need? How about a win over host nation and Vegas favorite Brazil in the World Cup!?

That’s exactly what the Krauts got on Tuesday when their soccer team downshifted the Brazilians 7-1.

Germany is hot.  How hot?  Hotter than Jesse Camp in 1998 hot.   Not only are they dominating on the world’s biggest stages (global economy, healthcare, education and the World Cup) but their everyday citizens are fucking superheroes.  I was fortunate to meet 3 German travelers in 2006 while on vacation in Key West.  We shared a hotel balcony and a couple 30 packs of Milwaukee’s Best. I remember them as being massive and hilarious.  They all stood above 6’3″, drank tons of “shitty American beer” and told many jokes that revolved around poop.  Their English was superior to mine and they had an intoxicating charisma that made MLK look like Terri Schiavo.

So why am I gushing over the Germans?  Obviously I’m fucking nervous.  My envy has bred fear and here’s why.  The  US ranks 36th in education, 37th in healthcare, and 33rd in internet download speed world wide.  Not to mention their soccer team shut us out AND they’re likely still bitter about WWI and 2.  Their next conquest will be to take our women. It’s the logical progression.  The money, the athleticism, the intelligence — it’s all theirs.  All the necessary panty dropping tools. Das clit!

When will the time come?  Who knows.  Let’s appreciate what we have for now, for we know the Krauts are coming.   Let’s just be grateful that penis size rankings aren’t being recorded yet, Jesus knows they’d have the edge in that too. 

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