2 Jul

Each Wednesday, Legend and I will be arguing opposing sides of an original, deep, meaningful, and thought-provoking ‘Would You Rather’ question.  Pretty simple.  Pretty self-explanatory.  Let’s get right into it.


Would you rather catch your father masturbating, or have him catch you? 

shocked1 shocked2 shocked3 shocked5 shocked6 cry2 cry3 cry4 cry5Toronto Mayor Rob Ford



Let me first preface this by saying this was an extremely challenging would you rather.  I usually answer these confidently with very little deliberation.  This one took some time.  Either way, you’re dealing with a trauma that you’ll most likely be taking to the grave.  Ultimately, I would prefer my dad catch me having a wank than vice versa.

The father-child relationship is very unique, and by unique I mean fucked up.  I’ve seen the most confident of grown men reduced to sheer panic at the thought of their dad’s disapproval.  Why do they own our souls so damn hard?  Either way, I believe it’s very important for dads to always be in control and responsible in front of their children.  Like the shame we feel when we fuck up is probably about 3 times worse for them.  So fuck it.  Add my dad catching me plaster my sheets to the list of disappointments and screw ups he’s witnessed.  I’m stunned he never caught as me as a kid, god knows there were 100’s of close calls.

SORRY DAD, you can put the blame on me.



Really, really tough and it totally boils down to what your relationship is like with your dad.  Whether my dad caught me or I caught him, it’s 100% a guarantee that it would never be spoken of for all eternity.  Basically I could go either way because it would truly be like nothing ever happened.  He’s a man of very, very few words and I’m totally cool with that.  So when it comes to this would you rather, for me, it’s basically would I rather endure the short-lived embarrassment of being caught… or feel super awkward catching him on a date with Pamela Handerson, but with the knowledge that he’s feeling infinitely more awkward.  I think it’s fairly normal for a 26 year old to beat off, but a lot less so for a 60-something year old dude.  But honestly I don’t really know because I’ve never been that old.  I think I’m pretty done thinking about this at this point.  I’ll go with catch him, simply to save him the visual and the associated jealousy of seeing how much more well-endowed his son is than him.  But maybe he’d just be proud?  And maybe I’m lying… he’s got a hog.



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