Archive | July, 2014

WOULD YOU RATHER WEDNESDAY

30 Jul

Would you rather have your urethra glued shut or your asshole cemented shut?

Terry-

Let’s break it down. We must first analyze the adhesives presented in this WYR: cement and glue. Could you imagine having cement stuck to your body? Never mind an area as vulnerable as your butthole. The amount that would be needed to plug off my gaping sphincter would undoubtedly be large and heavy. A wad of concrete smeared across my fun-hole would make simple movements like sitting, standing and walking almost impossible. Glue on the other hand has some give and the amount needed to plug a urethra is small. Because of this I must score 1 point for “gluing my urethra shut”.

The second, and perhaps most important thing to consider, is how bodily wastes will bypass these blockages. It’s a colostomy bag VS a catheter and I’m choosing catheter all day. Block my urethra and run a hose to my bladder, now I don’t even need to get up to take a piss! The colostomy bag is a fucked up concept. Shit running from my colon to a bag attached to my hip? No thanks, I smell like turd enough as it is already. Another point for the glued cock option.

Lastly, I must ask, have any of you ever “capped” your urethra with your thumb moments before ejaculation? Try it, it’s pure erotic bliss. Imagine a urethra glued shut all the time? I’d be snapping more carrots than Bugs Bunny. This is a no brainer, pass me the glue!

Glue gun isolated on a white background

Legend-

Back the cement truck up!  Pour it right in my boy pussy guys!

Tricky WYR this week.  Realistically, both of these options would cause crucial health problems very fast.  So I’m looking at this WYR as a how much time before I die scenario.  If you didn’t piss, even for 24 hours, you would start feeling some astronomical piss angst.  I’m no doctor, but I would guess if your cock chute is truly sealed off with glue, you’re in trouble within the first day.  Your bladder will probably explode on you sometime during the 2nd day and the end will be near.  Fuck that.  If I’m gonna die, I need at least a week or so to go on a sex tour in Prague and say my goodbyes to friends and loved ones.

I feel like sealing the asshole off, while awful for your health, will buy you the most time of these two options.  My intuition says you could probably last about 10 days without taking a dump before things get dicey.  I imagine at some point in my life I’ve gone 3 or 4 days without taking a shit.  Big deal, I survived.  On the contrary, there is no way I’ve ever gone more than 24 hours without pissing.  Pissing feels so good that it must be very important.  As I’ve grown older, I sometimes let out moans of pure relief when having a great piss.

Also, given the extra survival time of sealing the ass shut, maybe, just maybe, a little fart could sneak out the side of my asshole and buy me some more time on earth.

cement

ASS WIPING PRODUCT FOR MEN HAS ARRIVED

29 Jul

As I was watching UFC on FOX 12 last Saturday, I noticed something interesting.  In his main event bout vs Robbie Lawler.  UFC fighter Matt Brown had a logo for a company named “DUDE WIPES” on the back of his trunks.  Now I normally pay very little attention to ads on fighters shorts, but this one piqued my interest so I felt compelled to find out more about the company.

matt-brown-robbie-lawler-mma-fox-ufc-saturday-lawler-vs-brown-850x560

After a quick search, my suspicions were confirmed.  Dude wipes are an ass wiping product for men.  Also, it can be used for hands, armpits, and other “dude regions” according to the website.  Matt Brown wasn’t the first UFC fighter to rock their logo.  They have sponsored several other MMA fighters in the past which is impressive because the real estate on the back of a fighters trunks can cost a company upwards of $5000-$10,000.  Dude Wipes is for real, but will they succeed in the challenging market of butthole maintenance?  While I think it’s a cool idea and wet wipes are definitely a step-up from regular old toilet paper, I don’t think Dude Wipes will survive.  Men are a tough sell.  We want simplicity and efficiency.  Dude Wipes seem cool, novel and luxurious, but they ain’t necessary and that’s their downfall.  Showering and strong butt-wiping technique is enough to “get the job done” so to speak.  As long as nobody can smell my ass when I’m in public, I’m winning the battle.  Sorry Dude Wipes, you’re just a little too early to the market.  You may flourish in niche markets such as gay porn shoots and elderly housing changing tables but for the masses it’s showering and toilet paper reigning supreme.

Toilet-paper

personal-hygiene-shower

 

 

 

MLB THROW OF THE YEAR GOES TO RYAN RABURN

25 Jul

 

What an arm.  Kluber, the Indians pitcher, had a perfect game going until the 7th inning.  0-0 in the bottom of the 8th and this happens.  Raburn is literally responsible for a run for the wrong team.  If this were China, he’d be publicly executed.  It’s just so Cleveland.  Look out Manziel and Lebron, Raburn’s in town and he’s here to stay!

STEPHEN A SMITH IS GETTING TORCHED

25 Jul

Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless of First Take continued to talk about the Ray Rice controversy this morning.  Smith, who stated that women also must play a role in reducing domestic violence by not provoking men, is under absolute social media hellfire.  Watch below.

Smith is getting absolutely torched here. But I mean come on, we all know domestic violence is a touchy subject.  It’s pretty clear that Smith’s advice is in the interest of women’s safety.  Part of the problem with his take was the pussyness in the delivery.  If you’re dancing on egg shells the whole time, people are going to start to smell blood.  Smith never took a hard stance and because of this comes off as a possible sexist.  That’s enough for a solid 3-day flaming on the internet these days.  I think if “that fucker” could do it over it should have been something more like this.

“Alright everyone, listen up.  Especially you Skip Bayless, you squirrelly little dick weasel.  Men rule the world, and women rule men.  Thusly, women rule the world.  We must do everything in our power to protect these beautiful creatures for they are the light that illuminates this world.  Strategies must be explored for women to employ to avoid these heinous situations with monsters like Ray Rice.”

Short and sweet.  Boom.  Hire me for your PR firm.  Nevermind.  You can’t afford me.

Lesson learned.  Don’t back down or dance around your opinions.

Fuck you Skip Bayless.

SNAKE IN A LAKE = NO GOD

24 Jul

NEW JERSEY (PIX11) Something big is slithering around Lake Hopatcong in New Jersey.

According to wildlife expert Gerald Andrejcak, it’s an anaconda. He saw it in the lake last week and estimated it is between 13 and 16 feet long. He believes someone who couldn’t care for it dumped it in the lake.

And while it’s the talk of Lake Hopatcong, Andrejcakj told PIX11 people do not need to be alarmed.

“These things are not man-eaters. They are not man-killers. They are not going to hunt human beings to satisfy their hunger. They want to be left alone. Just like we do,” Andrejcak said.

HiOrangeAnaconda

 

No!!!!!!  This story has shook my core.  I don’t know what’s what and who I can trust anymore.  As crazy and fucked up as the world can be, lakes were always the sanctuary for peace and serenity.  A place where one could go and easily be reminded of the true state of the human spirt, free flowing happiness.  However, this story has me questioning all of my moral beliefs.  If my ever so precious lakes aren’t protected by some higher power, why am I adhering to all these bullshit unwritten moral rules in life because it’s “the right thing to do.”  When this anaconda was spotted in the lake right and wrong went out the window.  The playbook for how to act and behave in this world that was handed down to me has been lit on fire.

Next time I see my grandmother I’m telling her to “eat shit” for judging me all these years.   I’m now going to aggressively pursue sex with all of my good friend’s sisters.  I’m getting hammered at every wedding and public event I’m invited to.  Also, I refuse to feel any guilt or remorse when I masturbate while looking through binoculars at MILFs jogging in yoga pants.

Also, “don’t be alarmed??”  Anyone in their right mind is alarmed and will not be swimming or participating in any water sports in that wretched and cursed lake.  Fuck New Jersey.