BRYCE “THE MORMON” HARPER JACKS 3 BOMBS IN AA GAME

30 Jun

 

The kid’s been out with a thumb injury but it seems to be good to go at this point.  Three absolute moon-shots here.  Went 4/5 with 5 RBIs.  Since day one I’ve wanted to like Bryce because I’m always behind the young phenoms that have an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude and I thought for sure he was one of them.  Especially after the “clown question” gem he dropped a couple years ago.

 

Anyway, I assumed the clown question was based on the fact that he was only 19 and even though it would be legal for him to drink in Canada, it still wasn’t in the States.  His right eye is even twitching like crazy when he addresses it, almost like he’s winking and saying “of course I’m getting hammered after this and ripping Toronto to shreds but I’m not about to open that can of worms in the media,” which would be the smart way to handle it.  Wise beyond his years I thought. And I think that’s what everyone else thought too.  Then you find out he gets engaged at 21.  Major red flag.

harper gf

I mean she’s fine, but certainly no 10.  But whatever, young guys make mistakes, he’ll get caught with one of the many slam-pieces he’s got dotted all over the country and it’ll undoubtedly be over as quickly as it began, right?  Very wrong.  Bryce Harper is a fuckin’ Mormon and I feel like nobody knows about it.  Some of you are probably like so what? Why is that important? We don’t know the religion of like any professional athletes.  True.  But Mormonism has got to be right up there alongside Scientology battling for the 1-spot on the list of religions with absurd beliefs.  I’m not religious at all, nor do I really know anything about Mormons beyond the basic multiple wives, can’t do anything fun etc., etc., but I’ve seen South Park and that was enough.  Parker and Stone don’t lie.  Deep down Mormons even know they’re weird because they have to call themselves the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints so that non-religious people don’t know they’re actually just Mormons.  I didn’t know they were one in the same until like a year ago.

C’mon, Bryce, you’re better than that.  That’s a clown religion, bro.  I’m sure your parents made you be Mormon but you’re a big boy now.  Drop that shit, drop the fiance, and start putting some nice goodie bags together like Derek Jeter does.  That’s how you show respect to a woman.  Not by compiling wives like you’re collecting baseball cards.

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