WHO THE FUCK IS ANN COULTER AND HOW HAS SHE NOT BEEN MURDERED YET?

27 Jun

So if you haven’t already read what this epic waste of life Coulter had to say about the World Cup and soccer in general, please don’t do it now.  Save your time.  I refuse to read it in its entirety so neither can you.  I got more than enough of her asinine quotes over at UPROXX.com in a wonderfully-crafted blog by Ashley Burns to get a feel for the context.  Basically she hates happiness.  That’s the moral of the story, but let’s delve a bit further into the mind of this conservative witch/troll/gremlin hybrid of a woman and break down some of the garbage that somehow manufactures itself in her tiny, tiny brain.  Note: the witch/troll/gremlin reference has nothing to do with her looks… I’d hate-fuck the shit out of this despicable c-word all damn day.  ImageNow that I think of it, her looks are probably the only redeeming quality that has kept her from getting assassinated.  But alas, that’s neither here nor there. Let’s get into some of my favorite quotes and arguments of hers from her troll-rific masterpiece “America’s Favorite National Pastime: Hating Soccer“.

I’ve held off on writing about soccer for a decade — or about the length of the average soccer game — so as not to offend anyone. But enough is enough.

She comes out swinging with the notion that the length of an average soccer game is too long.  Solid research there, Ann.  The fucking clock doesn’t stop.  There are no commercials except at halftime. You know what you’re getting yourself into with soccer unlike say a baseball game that can go on literally forever.  Soccer = two 45 minute halves, a 15 minute halftime, and a few minutes added on at the end of each half for a whopping total of about 110 minutes, less than 2 hours.  Average NFL game: 3 hours 10 minutes, average MLB game: 2 hours 30 minutes and if you looked at it in terms of game-related action taking place there’d be an astronomical discrepancy.

Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer. In a real sport, players fumble passes, throw bricks and drop fly balls — all in front of a crowd.

Might need to brush up on her definition of achievement here. Merriam-Webster to the rescue.  “Something that has been done or achieved through effort : a result of hard work.”  Not sure if hard work is supposed to lead to fumbles, bricks, and drops but maybe I’m wrong.  Also, her “fumble passes” and “throw bricks” vernacular just screams “I don’t know shit about sports.”

When baseball players strike out, they’re standing alone at the plate. But there’s also individual glory in home runs, touchdowns and slam-dunks.

She’s so right here.  Definitely no glory in scoring goals in soccer.  Because as she so eloquently puts it…

Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in. That’s when we’re supposed to go wild. I’m already asleep.

I wish you were asleep forever.

Liberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.

I thought Ann was a woman’s name.  Now that I look at some of her other pictures though, she’s definitely post-op.  I take back the hate-fuck comment.  Not that there’s anything wrong with sex-changes.  Just not my bag, baby.  (Exhibit A)

No other “sport” ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer. This was an actual marquee sign by the freeway in Long Beach, California, about a World Cup game last week: “2nd period, 11 minutes left, score: 0:0.” Two hours later, another World Cup game was on the same screen: “1st period, 8 minutes left, score: 0:0.”

This is classic.  I honestly think she was looking at hockey scores and was just too dumb to realize.  Even if it was soccer she’s still dumb because she wrote periods instead of halves.  Once again, the vernacular of a person that is clearly educated enough on a topic to attempt to shit all over it.

Even in football, by which I mean football, there are very few scoreless ties — and it’s a lot harder to score when a half-dozen 300-pound bruisers are trying to crush you.

There hasn’t been a scoreless tie in football since 1943 and the rules were completely different at that point.  She’s not only stupid but also too fucking lazy to do a 5 second google search.  The second part of that statement is also just blatantly false.  I wonder if she knows you get points for a field goal. Or what a field goal is for that matter.

The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport.

Literally no idea what to say about this one other than she is a horrible, horrible human being.

Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game — and it’s not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded.

The sheer definition of sadistic here.  She gets off watching sports just to see people humiliated and/or get injured. If she had it her way the losing team would be killed by a firing squad i’m sure.  This own-goal video would probably have her flicking bean in no time.

You can’t use your hands in soccer. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball.)

It’s been so long since I’ve played baseball I’d completely forgotten how dangerous fly balls can be.

Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more “rational” than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous. An inch is the width of a man’s thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt. That’s easy to visualize. How do you visualize 147.2 centimeters?

Yes, it certainly would be impossible to choose an arbitrary body part or article of clothing that is around the length of a centimeter.  How many different belt sizes are there these days? One?  What do 147.2 thumbs in a row look like?  I don’t know, ask Ann.

 

 

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