9 Jun


I’m about to sell my 2nd mattress in the past 2 years.  I know that sounds ridiculous, and to be honest, it just plain is.  No real excuse other than I like to sleep luxuriously and I don’t like to live in one place for too long.  Restless life syndrome.  But in all honesty, who are all these filthy deviants shopping for their beds on Craigslist???  I had no problem selling my last mattress when I moved back home from D.C.  Absolutely none. The eventual buyers even called me out for lying about how old it was after they thoroughly inspected the tag.  Touché, but seriously? You’re buying a fucking mattress from Craigslist, you freaks. Maybe I should have been 100% honest in the posting.

 – Posturepedic Pillowtop Mattress – $400 – Purchased this mattress for $800 four years ago when I moved off campus in college.  Masturbated on less than 1000 times and no more than 200 sexual encounters w/ 2nd human involved.  It has endured the entire spectrum of bodily fluid stains.  Ejaculate, blood, urine (male and female.)  There’s a weird green sticky patch that I have chosen to leave out of the attached photos.  That’s from a time I passed out drunk with some Trident gum in my mouth and that shit was fucking everywhere when I woke up.  Literally impossible to get out.  I’ve been bleaching the fuck out of it lately and scrubbing it with a toothbrush so I can hopefully mask it’s general disgustingness.  I’d avoid laying on it to test it out unless you want the bleach to ruin your clothes.  Overall, this mattress still works though.  You can lay on top of it and totally fall asleep.

They ended up buying that shit full price.  I’m telling you, these sick fucks get off meeting who slept in their new bed before them.

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