TOP 3 MUFF DIVERS IN POP CULTURE

9 Jun

Similar to certain body types and nationalities being the most conducive to excelling at sports, the great art of muff diving is no different.  Now, I know what you’re thinking.  “Uhh, Legend, how do you know what men are good at eating women out?  What are ya gay or something?”  No, you goddamn square.  It’s the same way a man knows another great looking man is a threat — instinct.  When you see the world as clearly as I do, it’s a clear science.  I’ve narrowed it down to three key factors in playing a woman’s fiddle like a maestro.

 

Key Factor 1: Horrible Hair. This seems a little counterintuitive, but as you’ll see, every great box licker has less than desirable hair.

 

Key Factor 2: 15-20 pounds overweight, no more. This one seems more logical.  The slightly chubby guys are probably still attractive enough to get suitable practice reps during their developmental years, but still don’t have the great bodies for outstanding sex.

 

Key Factor 3: Delusions of Grandeur. Every great pleasure deliverer has an inflated sense of self.  You gotta have it to make it in this racket.  Shoot for the poon, settle for the stars.

 

With these parameters defined, here are the top 3 muff divers in pop culture.

 

Number 3: Phil Hellmuth

phil hellmuth

No surprise that the “poker brat” takes the 3 spot, he fits all the key factors to a T.  Phil is the type of guy that will get results no matter how bad he looks.  My guess is he was cursed with a small Johnson and had to compensate with high level oral skills.  He goes all in on the woman’s needs and never nuts before she does.

Number 2: John Besh

john-besh2

Besh is new to the public eye as a restaurant consultant on Spike Tv’s Hungry Investors.  Besh’s scouting report is off the charts when it comes to oral mastery.  His rumored nickname in college was “super soaker” for his ability to induce squirting more than 80% of the time.  Being an expert cook, he is capable of doing crazy culinary shit in bed such as pulling chinese hot mustard sauce out of his nightstand and smearing it all over the woman’s nether regions without missing a beat.  This hungry investor takes a very honorable runner-up slot.

chinese mustard

Number 1: Phil Mickelson

phil-mickelson

Lefty comes in at number 1.  Look at him, he nails all key factors on the head.  He is not some machismo driven sexual dynamo, he is an artist.  Phil sees the vagina like Beethoven saw a piano, in a way us vaginal mortals could never fathom.  The G spot is about as big as a golf hole to this beautiful bastard.

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