WICKED TUNA SEASON FINALE TONIGHT, YOU GUYS

8 Jun

In honor of the Wicked Tuna finale tonight on Nat-Geo, I will give a personal scouting report on the three most relevant captains. Tune in at 9 eastern for the best fishing themed reality show on television.

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Meet Dave Carraro, captain of the Tuna.com. Dave has the run-away lead this year with 14 tunas caught which has grossed him $114,769. Dave is a great tuna fisherman, no doubt about it. He won the inaugural season, lost by a hair in Season 2, and is throttling the competition in season 3. The problem with Dave is he’s very dorky. He’s got two dorks for mates and he might be a bigger dork than both of them. Dave is a successful guy, but it’s the kind of success that makes you cringe. He wants it so bad that it’s uncool. Manny Ramirez was the coolest baseball player ever cause he was awesome and didn’t give a fuck. Dave is the polar opposite. He might as well have “daddy issues” tattooed across his forehead.

GRADE: D+

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Meet Tyler McLaughlin, captain of the Pin Wheel. Tyler came on the scene hot last year and won the season 2 championship. Tyler is in last place this year, with less than $20,000 in earnings. Tyler doesn’t give a fuck though, he talked trash all last season when he was winning, and all of this season while losing. He’s a true millennial from a rich family and he owns it. The older guys get pissed that his dad helped him buy his boat, but fuck them. What is he not supposed to play the hand he was dealt?

GRADE : B+

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Meet Dave Marciano, a true grizzled fuck who’s been chewed up and spit out by the tuna fishing industry. He is the chain smoking captain of the fishing vessel Hard Merchandise. The Hard Merchandise currently sits in third place with about $50,000 in catches this year. Dave fights through the hardship of slow fishing seasons, an idiotic first mate, and his old boat constantly breaking. He is a true grinder. I guarantee he’s too fatigued and depressed to still fuck his wife but he still goes home and performs world class cunnilingus just because it’s the right thing to do.

GRADE: A

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