Archive | June, 2014

NAKED PANDEMONIUM ENSUES AT ARLINGTON, VA BAR CRAWL

30 Jun

ARLnow– There was “chaos” on the streets of Clarendon Saturday night when a naked bar crawl attendee ran from police, hopped in a car and led cops on a high speed chase that ended in a crash.

Just past 8:00 p.m., police say a man who had been participating in the All American Bar Crawl stripped naked in Goody’s (3125 Wilson Blvd) pizza restaurant. The man, described as a black male in his 20s, left his clothes in the restaurant and ran outside, where police quickly gave chase, according to Arlington County Police Department spokesman Dustin Sternbeck.

 

 

Looks pretty fuckin’ bright outside for just past 8 pm but I’m no weatherman.  Regardless, an absolutely epic bar crawl display by this guy, 22 year old Charles Mack.

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A more recent NBC Washington article has come out and he was going to be celebrating his 23rd birthday at the strike of midnight.  Wow, just wow. So obviously he’s boozing all day, feelin’ nice and loose, says fuck these clothes and gets into his birthday suit. Like what’s the problem here?  This should be the one day all year that you can get butt-ass naked wherever you want with no repercussions.  Police must not have known it was the day of his birth though because they gave chase, he found a car, crashes into some other cars, gets out, gets tazed, the rest is history.  Mack was eventually charged with indecent exposure, DWI, disregarding police demands, 3 counts of hit and run and one count of possession of narcotics.  I’m guessing weed but a part of me thinks something more intense like crack or PCP.  I’ve gotten as blackout as the best of them but never felt the need to disrobe in public but maybe that’s just the Mack-daddy’s thing. To each their own.

The real tragedy here though is that there’s no video of this.  I feel like there has to be though, right? If you’re drunk in the street watching this go down how is that not your immediate reaction??  Doesn’t really surprise me though.  I used to live in Arlington, VA and people in Clarendon have their heads too far up their own asses to think with any type of real logic.  They all walk around with their pinkies in the air, feigning interest in politics and asking how much money each other make. Granted, it’s the nicest area in Arlington but they’re all still just too poor to live in the actual District across the river.  The drunk onlooking Clarendonians did do one thing right however.

One witness on Twitter said the largely intoxicated crowd that gathered started chanted “USA” as the nude man was detained.

Fuckin’ right.

 

BRYCE “THE MORMON” HARPER JACKS 3 BOMBS IN AA GAME

30 Jun

 

The kid’s been out with a thumb injury but it seems to be good to go at this point.  Three absolute moon-shots here.  Went 4/5 with 5 RBIs.  Since day one I’ve wanted to like Bryce because I’m always behind the young phenoms that have an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude and I thought for sure he was one of them.  Especially after the “clown question” gem he dropped a couple years ago.

 

Anyway, I assumed the clown question was based on the fact that he was only 19 and even though it would be legal for him to drink in Canada, it still wasn’t in the States.  His right eye is even twitching like crazy when he addresses it, almost like he’s winking and saying “of course I’m getting hammered after this and ripping Toronto to shreds but I’m not about to open that can of worms in the media,” which would be the smart way to handle it.  Wise beyond his years I thought. And I think that’s what everyone else thought too.  Then you find out he gets engaged at 21.  Major red flag.

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I mean she’s fine, but certainly no 10.  But whatever, young guys make mistakes, he’ll get caught with one of the many slam-pieces he’s got dotted all over the country and it’ll undoubtedly be over as quickly as it began, right?  Very wrong.  Bryce Harper is a fuckin’ Mormon and I feel like nobody knows about it.  Some of you are probably like so what? Why is that important? We don’t know the religion of like any professional athletes.  True.  But Mormonism has got to be right up there alongside Scientology battling for the 1-spot on the list of religions with absurd beliefs.  I’m not religious at all, nor do I really know anything about Mormons beyond the basic multiple wives, can’t do anything fun etc., etc., but I’ve seen South Park and that was enough.  Parker and Stone don’t lie.  Deep down Mormons even know they’re weird because they have to call themselves the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints so that non-religious people don’t know they’re actually just Mormons.  I didn’t know they were one in the same until like a year ago.

C’mon, Bryce, you’re better than that.  That’s a clown religion, bro.  I’m sure your parents made you be Mormon but you’re a big boy now.  Drop that shit, drop the fiance, and start putting some nice goodie bags together like Derek Jeter does.  That’s how you show respect to a woman.  Not by compiling wives like you’re collecting baseball cards.

IT’S 2014 AND JAPAN JUST BANNED CHILD PORN

29 Jun

NY Times – Yielding to years of pressure to fall in line with the rest of the developed world, Japan’s Parliament outlawed the possession of child pornography on Wednesday. But the new law left untouched the nation’s popular and sometimes sexually explicit manga comics as well as other portrayals of young girls as objects of sexual desire.

I’d like to say I’m surprised by this but I’m just kinda not.  Japan is so fuckin’ strange.  I think I’m a pretty accepting guy when it comes to other cultures but when your culture thinks it’s okay to film kids doing sex stuff, I’m not on board.  Not surprisingly either, the vote to ban it was not unanimous.  Out of 239 votes, 16 were opposed to the ban.  Basically these 16 Japanese legislators were like “Fuck that! No more kiddie porn? Over our dead bodies!”  Absurd.  Even more absurd is they’re giving everybody who currently has child porn an entire year to get rid of it.  What could possibly be the logic behind that decision?  You click a button, boom deleted.  If it’s a hard copy, boom, toss it in the trash, gonzo.  From now until next June in Japan is gonna be one last hoorah for all the freaks, their swan song.  Heard of The Last Samurai?  Introducing The Last Pedophile.  Starring Tom Cruise, coming to a theater near you in 2016.

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Also came across this video.  Schwarzenegger FTW.

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS: MY NANNY WON’T VACATE MY HOUSE

29 Jun

CNN – Ralph and Marcella Bracamonte’s California home has become their personal hell.

They fired their live-in nanny this month, but the woman — Diane Stretton — has refused to move out, and the couple has little legal recourse to evict her.

Don’t know if you caught this news story going on over in California but I think it’s absolutely hilarious.  This couple with 3 kids hired this nanny.  diane-stretton-600First of all, are you fuckin’ kidding me?!  Nannies are supposed to be young, hot, and preferably foreign.  Needless to say, this “thing” you’re looking at above doesn’t quite fit that description.  This lady screams “I’m going to stop working, occupy your house, eat your food, sue you, steal your children, kill your pets, rape your entire family, and get away with it.”  Am I right??? Any human being with the slightest morsel of common sense would recognize this the first instant they laid eyes on her.

If you look at it from a realistic prospective, this “nanny,” if you can call her that, is actually living the true American Dream.  Work as little as possible, ideally not at all, and make ends meet by scamming and conning as much as humanly possible with absolutely no remorse.  She has it down to a science.  She’s even registered in California Courts’ Vexatious Litigant List which basically means she sues people all the time for no fucking reason. California, ladies and gentlemen.  Why even keep a list like that if you just let these people continue to fuck others over and do nothing about it??  No wonder California is in the shitter.  They just let disgusting old ladies live in people’s houses when said people don’t want them there at all.  Pretty sure that wouldn’t fly anywhere else but Cali.

But you know what I say?  More power to her.  Find those loopholes, Diane Stretton.  I can just picture her rolling out of bed at 2 pm having not showered for days, strolling into the kitchen, drinking straight from the milk carton, letting out a beastly belch, and sauntering back into her room.  That’s America.

The other thing that gets me about this is that the mother of this family, Marcella Bracamonte, doesn’t even work!  Why the fuck do you need a nanny when you’re a stay at home mom?? You’re not Kim Kardash, you’re not Beyonce, you are pretty sexy but still… from the looks of it in the video, you aren’t even rich.  I’m sorry, but that house looks pretty ghetto.  Man up (woman up?), raise your own fuckin’ 3 kids, or don’t have them in the first place.

 

WHAT IS THE AMERICAN DREAM IN 2014?

28 Jun

The American Dream is not for everyone. Most people shut themselves out from the start. The types of people who just try to fit in and not be a loser don’t have a chance.  You gotta be a sick bastard to make it in this world.  It’s like a sports team or fighter who is playing not to lose; You often get your ass whipped and even if you do squeak out a win you’ll never run up the score.

But for us guys and girls who are aggressively going for ultimate victory and happiness in this lifetime, what the fuck are we working towards? The money? The cars? The sex? The pussy? The butthole?  Acceptance of shortcomings?   Relationship with god?

No! It’s none of those things, except maybe butthole. Lets get real, we all have rich friends and their families are usually more fucked up and miserable than anyone else. We’re too smart these days, we all know there is no winning in the money game. Even if you stack up a great deal of cash your risk of ruin is always lurking around the corner. Natural disasters, taxes, markets crashing, businesses crashing, hospital bills, millennial children, lawsuits, coke binges, gambling losses, broke family members asking for loans.

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“Well what the fuck is the American Dream in 2014?!?!?!”

Don’t worry, as always I will bail you out of your mental confusion and turmoil. It’s what I do. When you first hear this, you may feel like you deserved a better answer with all this hype. But rest assured, this is what you want and need.

Guys, the light at the end of the tunnel, the American Dream, the promised land, is THE LAKE HOUSE.

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Lake houses, done correctly, are a taste of heaven on earth.

Minimum Requirements:

1.) Pontoon Boat
2.) Speed Boat
3.) Medium to high end house on a large lake.
4.) Lots of bedrooms

If you can pass these requirements, you are golden. Every great child’s dream is to grow up and still have an outstanding time with all of their friends and family.  Lake houses are the perfect playing field for these dreams to be realized. I get emotional just thinking how beautiful the lake lifestyle is. You can take the most stressed out fuck from a busy city and plop him on a pontoon boat on a beautiful lake. Guarantee you he’s waving to every boat going by, having a blast with his friends, and feeling more inner peace without the assistance of drugs than ever before. Something phenomenal happens when you get to the lake. You are no longer the donkey working to achieve harmony and happiness, you are one with the harmony and happiness.  The lake lifestyle is the highest quality of life I have personally seen on this great planet.

So next time you are frustrated at your job, or have a lack of motivation to press forward in your life with conviction, just whisper the words, “lake house.”